Conflict in Leaving
by Kang Xiu
Summary: Amiboshi thinks about the mission he has to go on, before he leaves, before he tells Suboshi that he's leaving....


Disclaimer: Don't own Amiboshi, not now, not ever. Sadly  
Note: Amiboshi's thoughts right before he takes off for Konan. I wrote this when I was away in Baltimore and feeling melancholy.  
  
Conflict of Leaving...  
  
//Otouto. How hard it is to leave. How much it stings, like a painful wound. I can't do this, but I have to. I can't think. I'll just pretend everything's okay. I won't try to ease it, because there's no way. How can I tell you? How is it possible to say I'm leaving again? How can I watch your face fill with sadness at MY words? I can't do it!  
But. If I don't, he'll kill you. He never said so directly, but I've been around here long enough to know. It's a silent threat, ever present, like a sickness that won't go away. I kill them or he kills you.  
How to go on? I hate fighting! I can't stand death and suffering. At my own hands, too. He's got me trapped, you know. I'm so torn. And I know it's going to be a thousand times worse when I know them. Because they're going to take me in! They're going to be my friends! They're going to trust me! And what'll I do? For the sake of your life, I'm going to throw it all away. With one sharp note, it'll all be gone.   
My own life will be worth nothing to me because of it. I've thought about it, and I see no way out. It's going to be a living nightmare. It's going to be like a play. And I've got the lead role. And it's time for the first scene: the boy tells his brother that he's going away.  
But how can I? Maybe.... but no. For your happiness, I must stay. For your life, I must go. It took so long for you to rebuild your faith, so long for you to trust me again. I can't knock down that pillar of hope. But I have to. For the one I love, what can I do? Only one thing  
I must leave. Now to find you, to destroy your newfound happiness, to smash the trust you had. Will I ever forgive myself? Probably not. But what can I do? Leaving...//  
  
"Otouto, I've got to go to Konan."  
"Okay, aniki, when are we going?"  
"Shun, please understand, only I can go."  
"ANIKI!"  
"I'm the only one who is allowed."  
"But.... you promised. You promised you'd never leave again! You said it could never happen again! I thought..."  
"Nakago-san says I must."  
"So I'll be without you. I'll be alone again."  
"Listen otouto! Never stop believing in me! I promise you, I swear it by the love of the world, I'll come back. I will NEVER GO AWAY AND NOT COME BACK!!!!! I swear on my soul! I'll never loose you!"  
"Aniki. I trust you. I know you'll return." Shunkaku embraced his brother, hot tears stinging his eyes and running down his face. "You did promise. I believe you. You'll come back. You always come back."  
"That's right. I'm always going to come back."  
"Saying goodbye to your twin? It's about time. You must depart for Konan in twenty minutes."  
Both twins shot Nakago angry looks, although Koutoku's was particularly vicious.   
//You!// he seemed to be saying, //you're the one who's hurting us both. I'll never forget this, be sure of it!//   
The shogun was shocked at the hate radiating from that glare. Then Koutoku sighed and released his twin.  
"I'll see you again, otouto. Remember, I'm coming back."  
  
//Nakago. Thanks to you, this is all happening. I can't even tell him WHY I'm leaving, explain that I wouldn't were it not for you. How dare you threaten me with the life of my own brother? You'll burn for this, Nakago. It was set down at the moment that you gave me the command.   
Otouto, remember me. Don't forget my love, and don't hate me for this.   
If only he'd said I was forfeiting my own life! That would have been easy! I could have refused, died in acceptance. But no. Monster that he is, it was you he threatened me with.   
Well, goodbye. I guess I'm leaving. But I'll come back. Even though I'll be dead to my self after this, if I can be alive for you, then it will be okay. It's going to take a horribly short time. Then I'll be back, I swear! I'll come back, I will. I want to be there for you! I will come back! I won't be forever leaving. I won't be forever leaving...//  
  
Owari  
  
Please review and help my zero self-esteem grow.  
~Korin 


End file.
